Horror Movie Survival Kit
Mancrates contacted me about doing a post on what I’d want in a Horror Movie Survival kit. Though these kits are marketed primarily as gifts for men they’re equally fun for women. Especially for those of us that like our gifts presented in something like a crate, which can be repurposed into cooler things than bows and wrapping. Like sharpened into stakes, or wrapped with oil-laden cloth and turned into torches, kindling for bonefires or impromptu coffins for disobedient minions.
Onto the crate!
I’m all about overwhelming force. After all, if you can get an edge on your enemy – why the hell not? It’s them or…you. To me the choice is obvious. I wouldn’t want to die just so some psycho can live to kill more people, nor do I relish the idea of being some critter’s appetizer.
Besides, to truly survive a horror movie means to kill the enemy – whether it’s zombies, werewolves or your good old-fashioned psychopath. Why?
Sequels. The good, the bad and the wtf were they thinking sequels.
If you don’t kill the beasty – and triple check that it is dead dead, not coming back to life dead, dead beyond all hope of resurrection kind of dead – then rest assured there will be a sequel. And fluent horror fans know that a survivor of the first movie is usually a lamb they’ll slaughter in the next.
So. Let’s build this kit so we’re not the eventual Sequel Lamb.
In my kit, I’d want –
Coffee. Premade, ready to drink. Since most of these movies go awry in the wee morning hours it will help keep us awake and really, the best weapon in the world is your brain and instincts. Keep it lively.
Power bars, for the same reason as above. Hard to concentrate when you’re missing breakfast and a grumbling belly can give away positions. *nods*
A .40 pistol with suppressor and a shit ton of ammo – no skimping on the silver bullets either. Though the suppressor won’t silence the noise, it will take it down a few notches and make it harder for monsters (and humans) to figure out where the shots came from. Let’s add confusion to enemy ranks!
And ya know a survival kit is not complete without a Remington 870 shotgun, because it rocks, plus ample ammo of assorted types again with lots of silver! If we can take out the bloodthirsty critters with this powerhouse at a distance, we won’t have to resort to our hand dandy –
Katana for those personal moments where bullets are ineffective or the elusive buggers got past our original defenses. The katana is also a choice weapon to behead beasties – like vampires – that even the lovely Remington would, alas, only hamper.
And for those beasties that must be bludgeoned instead of sliced – a silver tipped jo.
Just in case we enter a Dusk Til Dawn movie, stakes would be helpful. 50/50 mix of silver tipped and rowan wood appropriately sharpened.
A first aid kit with at least one bottle of cayenne extract.
A high powered, kick ass taser to stun the enemy while we get fires going with –
Lighter fluid, matches, lighter and heck, let’s throw in hairspray too. If the whole spewing flames thing doesn’t work, maybe it’ll help wolf man feel better about his bad hair day.
In the case of a viral zombie apocalypse, a Hazmat suit, gloves, goggles, breathing protection and booties. More cuz the booties are cute in a weird geeky way.
And some miscellaneous helpful goodies like:
Fresh supply of water, sealed to avoid contamination
A change of clothes, weather appropriate of course
Night vision goggles
A charged cell phone with an extra battery
Assorted sharp knives
A shovel and container of worms
I’m missing some things, I’m sure, so if any of you have suggestions – feel free to add!